Dear Josephine,
This post has been coming for a long, long time. Not just because I haven't updated this blog since January, but because I've been wanting to write about the day you were born for almost a year. A YEAR! That's right, on Saturday, you will be one year old. One friend put it so well- she said on one hand, she couldn't believe it's already been a year. But, at the same time, it's hard to imagine what life was like before we had you in our lives. You've been rocking our worlds in all the best ways, and doing so many awesome new things since January. But that's for another post. Today, I am listening to a playlist called "Birthday" and I want to write about the day you were born.
The playlist. Of course that had to come first. I worked on your "Birthday" playlist for months while I was pregnant, adding and subtracting songs, listening to it to catch rhythms, lyrics, or tone that I deemed "not right" and making changes. For example, I had a Pernice Brothers' song on there that had a line about a wife being in "hard labor" and could not get that off fast enough. I found it comforting, exciting, and inspiring to listen to this playlist in the weeks before your arrival. I still listen to it with or without you, although I had to wait a few months after your birthday to be able to listen to it again...time to 'forget' some of the hardest parts of labor. Along with the Playlist, I often listened to the Hypnobirthing tracks that came with the book and program your dad and I did. While we found the program (mostly because of the instructor) to be disappointing, I found the imagery and meditations to be really helpful....until I got to the hospital (more on that later). They helped me feel confident and reassured that we could do this. My mom (Mimi) delivered all three of her children naturally, and I always just felt like it was what I'd do. I remember that she once told me that you kind of have to just decide that's what you are going to do, and go with it. Of course, I never, ever felt pressure from her or anyone else to do anything other than what felt right.
Your "due date" was August 16, 2012. All along, I was sure that you'd be "past" your due date. After reading about the arbitrary nature of due dates, I just started telling people that August was my due month, since I felt like you could come in early August, or even possibly, very late in August. I was convinced that you'd be close to two weeks "late," and I think that attitude helped me in the end. I didn't really start to feel impatient until just a few days before you came, when my good friend Cathy (who had the same due date), was induced and had her son on the 14th. As it happens, I'd had almost an entire month between my summer class and when I was due to go back to work for the new semester the week of my due date. Although I wasn't really doing anything, I stubbornly refused to start my maternity leave until the moment I went into labor, because I knew I wanted to spend every moment I could with you once you were here. Our annual overnight retreat in a beautiful setting of Serenbe was on the 14th and 15th, and I made plans to go- clearing it with my midwives, arranging for friend and co-worker, Namisi, to drive me, and having my bags packed in case your dad needed to come get me in the middle of the night or meet us at the hospital. The morning I left for the retreat, I started to have some early "signs" that things were starting (I'll leave those details for a more personal space), and called the midwives for advice. They agreed that this sign may mean that I'd go into labor in a couple of days or in a week, so I marched my huge belly all around Serenbe, enjoying the cushy single room I was given in the main house and the delicious food. There were jokes the whole time at Serenbe about having hot water and towels ready, but nothing really happened until just before we were leaving. The "signs" got a bit more strong and I started to feel a very faint cramping. I didn't tell Namisi until we were almost home, because I didn't want to freak her out. Once I got home, I promptly went to a very important appointment, knowing that this would be the last time I'd be able to do this for awhile- I went to see your Aunt Laura for a brow wax:) When your dad got home from work, I told him about the very faint cramping, but since we had an appointment already scheduled for the next morning (our due date), we had a pretty normal evening of eating dinner and watching TV. Of course, we were both excited, but I kept telling myself and your dad that it could still be days away. Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up, feeling the cramps just a bit more and did what any normal pregnant person would do- I got on my computer and started tying up loose ends at work and sending a few people emails that said something like "I'm pretty sure that I'm in early labor, so I won't see you at the meeting on XXX" If I could go back and tell myself anything now, It would have been- GET BACK IN BED. GO TO SLEEP! YOU WILL NOT SLEEP AGAIN FOR SIX MONTHS!
Oh well. That next day was your due date, and your dad and I went to the already scheduled check up. Julie was the midwife who saw us that morning, and I was so happy when she said she was actually on call for the next day or so. She was a new midwife to the practice, and I'd had a great appointment with her a few weeks earlier. I basically broke down while sharing a new anxiety that had arisen after watching an episode of a Baby Story (darn you, Baby Story), and she could not have been more amazing. I remember telling your dad that although I would love Margaret (who had delivered me 33 years before) to deliver you, Julie would also be amazing. She had just the right amount of compassion that I knew I'd need during labor. I told Julie about the cramping I was feeling and she asked if I wanted to be "checked." I did, and we learned that I was 80% effaced and about 2cm dilated. She guessed that we'd be having a baby sometime "in the next few days," and I was directed to go home to do nothing but rest and sleep. Your dad went back to work (a little hesitantly, but I reminded him that he was only a few miles away and I'd be fine) So, what did I do? I went and got a peach slider at Revolution Donuts. I sat with my coffee and donut and read Game of Thrones, knowing that this was one of the last quiet moments I'd have with you in my belly. Then, I went to Publix to stock up on groceries. At Publix, a lady behind me in line asked me when I was due. When I replied that today was actually my due date and that I seemed to be in early labor, she assured me that "it wasn't as bad as everyone told me it would be." OK then! At home, I tried to nap, but couldn't for very long Again- If I could tell myself anything, it'd be to KEEP TRYING! SLEEP FOR GOODNESS SAKE! By mid-day, I was feeling what I realized now were contractions, but they didn't come very regularly and I waited to start timing them as Julie had instructed. They weren't painful, so I just laid in bed, reading and listening to music and Hypnobirthing tracks. When I talked to your dad around lunch, I told him I was definitely having contractions, but that they weren't very strong. He insisted on coming home, but I told him to take his time and tried to go back to sleep. Sometime after that, I decided to start timing the contractions on the app I'd just downloaded and started to notice that they were getting closer and closer. Your dad came home soon after and that afternoon and early evening we timed contractions, watched TV, and even got take out from Fox Brothers (probably not the best food choice, in hindsight). Soon after eating, we realized they were coming closer and closer together and feeling much stronger. After a couple of discussions with Margaret, she directed us to come on over to hospital when we were ready. One of the books I had said that you should try to wait at home until your trip from the house to the car was challenging, where you'd have to stop at some point for a contraction. That was definitely the case, so I was feeling good that maybe we'd waited long enough that you'd come soon after arriving at the hospital. Of course, I was thinking this, but didn't want to say it out loud and jinx myself:) We drove the short distance to the hospital, around dinner time on a Friday night, thinking that people were starting their weekends and we were starting an entirely new life. In the car, I was definitely feeling the contractions much more strongly. We called your Grandma and Grandpa, and your Mimi was on the way to meet us at the hospital. When we arrived (around 8pm), I'd remembered that at the tour, they'd said the main doors were closed after 8pm and that we should go through the ER to get in. I told your dad to drop me off at the ER while he parked, which in hindsight makes me laugh. He was hesitant, but I told him that I was fine. So, I ended up standing near the entrance and close to the waiting room during a couple of contractions, with the entire ER waiting room staring at me. Soon after, I got a call from my mom (your Mimi) that she was here and waiting for us near the entrance...which wasn't closed yet, after all. Oh well.
The rest is somewhat of a blur. We ended up waiting quite awhile for a room, so we sat in the waiting room and walked the hallways, with Julie coming out to check on me often. It turns out that just that week, the Labor and Delivery unit in a nearby hospital had closed, so this hospital was receiving a huge influx of their patients without much warning. It wasn't ideal, and your Mimi and dad were not happy, but I was fine. We definitely got some funny looks from a couple of men in the waiting room, as I listened to my iPhone with headphones and went through contractions. We finally got checked in and settled (as much as is possible while in labor), and Julie checked me again. I was sure that I'd be much farther along then that morning, but it turns out that I was only about 3-4 cm. I was definitely a little disappointed, but tried not to let it get to me. At that point, I had to be administered my antibiotics for Group B Strep. Having to lie still in the bed was very uncomfortable, and I found that the Hypnobirthing tracks were not helpful. Pretty soon after, I ordered the Birthday playlist to be put on, and did want to listen to any more Hypnobirthing stuff. I'd wanted to labor in the tub, and so after the antiobiotics, I asked to get in. Julie told me that I needed to labor a bit more before I did that, so I was instructed to walk the halls, with your dad and Mimi coming along to massage and offer words of support. I also got in and out of the shower and found that having someone run the water on my back to feel really, really good (well, as good as anyone can feel while in labor). Finally, I was told I could get in the water. And, it felt good (again...see above).
I really don't remember much after that, because things got, well, hard...and painful. Like, really painful. I remember cursing the Hypnobirthing program for making me feel like this might be "free of pain" and at one point, turned to my mom and said that I totally understood why women get epidurals. And, just like I'd asked, everyone around me stayed positive, supportive, and encouraging. I never felt that I had to continue to labor without drugs, but no one directly offered them, which I appreciated. At one point, I had to get out of the water to get my second round of antibiotics and it was very, very painful to sit in the hospital bed. At that point, it was well into the middle of the night and I knew everyone around me was really tired. And I was really, really tired (see earlier paragraphs about not sleeping enough). Julie informed me that I was at around 8 cm, but that things wouldn't progress until my bag of waters broke, which hadn't happened yet. She told me that if she broke them, things would go quicker, but it would also get more painful and fast. She offered to give me something to relax me and help me sleep a bit before then moving on. I thought about it for a little bit, and was encouraged by your dad and Mimi that it was up to me. I told Julie that I just wanted to keep going. And so we did. Those last hours were even more of a blur. I remember at one point, after saying many times that I "couldn't do this," I looked deep into Julie's encouraging eyes and had this feeling that she must be holding out on me. There must be something now, at this point, that she could do. It's like I felt at that moment that up until then had been a test just to see how badly I really wanted to be a mom, and then I reached a point where Julie would magically pop up and say, "OK, I'm just going to grab that baby now- here she is!" and it would all be over. I remember feeling that I couldn't wait any longer to meet you and felt frustrated at times. Your dad was so sweet and encouraging, and your Mimi said all the right things. Any time I am feeling sick or down, she always calls me "sweet girl" and I feel comforted. Now, I call you that everyday:)
When it was finally time to push, I remember feeling even more frustrated because I'd always thought that once it was time to push, it was just about over. Well, it wasn't. We tried all kinds of things, but it just wasn't happening. Luckily, our fabulous nurse (who'd just come on shift at 7AM) had a suggestion to use a bed sheet to give me some leverage as I pushed. Your dad had one end and I held the other. This was the trick we'd needed. After exactly two hours of pushing, at 7:51 AM on August 17, you appeared out of the water and into my arms. Margaret, who was attending a birth next door, came in at the very last minute to catch you, so that we could say that she delivered both you and me:) Your eyes were wide open and huge. I couldn't believe how much hair you had and just how beautiful you were. Your dad was so, so happy and I got to hold you for a moment before they took you to the side to clean and check you out and got me out of the tub. Back in the bed, we were almost immediately able to hold you and spend time with you, in awe of how beautiful you were. Your dad remembers me saying over and over, "She's the most beautiful baby ever!" At one point, we realized that we needed to decide on your name. We asked everyone else to step out while we talked, but it didn't take long. We knew. You were Josephine- in honor of your dad's Grandpa Joseph and my favorite literary character, Jo March from Little Women.
That first day was amazing, exhausting, and beautiful, just like this first year has been. It was a much harder labor than I expected, but if there's one thing I'm sure of, you were worth every second. I love you, sweet girl.
